My Mental Health

As a result of repeated trauma, I had intrusive thoughts. The thoughts were by nature flashbacks, memories that I could not block out. The frequency of the thoughts was all the time, and the intensity was like watching a horror movie unfolding right before my eyes except I was in it, and it wouldn’t stop. To make the thought process worse, these thoughts/flashbacks took on a life of their own and spiraled downward with nightmarish, what if scenarios. What if this happened? What if I had ended up doing this or that? What if I had been pressured into a worse situation? I suspect that I was suffering from trauma-based thinking and OCD.

These thoughts occupied my mind nonstop even while I was attempting to read, study, or even hold a normal conversation with a friend. I was mentally tortured, and I felt emotionally raped by the trauma in my life.

I began considering suicide and was constantly battling the inclination. My first visit to a psychiatrist while in college was disconcerting. He promptly informed me at the first visit that what I had been through was not enough to cause my symptoms and that I was bipolar. He recommended a heavy dosage of medication.

Because I was heavily medicated, I could not function well at school. I could not focus on reading even a page, was constantly drained and sluggish, and had short-term memory problems. Most of the time I was scattered and unable to focus. I was no longer the student I used to be. I was premed in college, but soon realized this was a dead dream.

Doctors tried to reduce the medication dosages, and the medicines would change at times. However, because I was so heavily dependent on certain medications, the withdrawal symptoms were too intense. I could not come off the medication without feeling suicidal again.

Two doctors mismanaged my medication where I ended up severely suicidal; however, luckily, I survived.

It did not help that certain mental health personnel treated me with pity, patronizing tones, and viewed me as not being aware of my mental health. I had insight into my situation, and I believe that this insight is not only valuable to myself but to the doctor treating me. Unfortunately, sometimes people with mental health issues are regarded as not human, not competent, and pity objects. Nobody wants to be pitied or treated as less than a human being, and this treatment towards such patients aggravates the situation. 

When I was 22, I ran into a prominent psychiatrist who told me that the field of psychiatry was mismanaged. I felt relieved to discover this. His name was Dr. Myron Stocking. He argued that talk therapy needed to be reintroduced to psychiatry, and I agree with him. I had been mislabeled and falsely judged so many times by psychiatrists who didn’t understand my past or where I came from. Dr. Myron Stocking passed away, but I am forever grateful to him for the insight he gave me.

The stigma of mental illness can be overwhelming. Often times, family, friends, and/or acquaintances will use your mental illness or troubled mental health against you in order to explain undesirable reactions to undesirable situations. Typically these people are unintentionally harming the person who struggles with mental health. Regardless of intention, it's important to recognize these behaviors as harmful.

For example, a friend may ask when I am upset at the way he/she has treated me, "Are you okay?" or "Are you feeling well?" attributing my response due to mental illness. They may even directly cite the mental illness or my mental health as the problem when he/she has made a serious mistake in communicating or carried out an offensive action.

For example, if this friend of mine falsely accuses me of something, and I address this accusation with her feeling irritated, she may attribute my irritation as a symptom of my having PTSD. However, she may admit partial fault to twisting perceptions or assuming through her accusation.

When the context of the situation validates the response of a person who is mentally ill, then the person's reaction is not due to mental illness.

I am not alone in the stigma of mental illness. Many people with a diagnosis get trapped and labeled by the diagnosis to the point where any action or language used is attributed to their mental illness. Not only is this approach stifling, it is inaccurate and often a form of emotional abuse. People (including the mentally ill individual) should be cautious in assigning all undesirable reactions as a result of mental illness.

Predatory people were attracted to me because of my vulnerability, and I found myself in one bad situation after the other.

Many treated me like a burden or disease. I was judged harshly and unjustly. This includes my ex-boyfriend who ditched me when I was suicidal in college. His mother ended up spreading rumors about my being dangerous and in part, justified her son’s behavior by directly accusing me of needing a "rescuer." Additionally, some individuals claimed that I was still in love with my ex when I was not; the issue at hand was that he abandoned me in a time of need, and his actions were inhumane. 

At a later point, a couple friends went as far as to say that my being abused and my mental health in response to it was a maturity issue. Another individual who meant well would transfer her personal life experience onto mine, therefore inaccurately judging the situation and myself, which intensified my pain. I was being falsely labeled with intentions and characteristics that I did not possess. I learned that even people with good intentions could create more pain through lack of proper understanding.

Additionally, certain people used my mental health against me to excuse their own bad behavior. They spread rumors about me, and some tried to make me look dangerous even though I never had a history of violence. This label of my somehow being dangerous was dehumanizing, and I felt deeply violated and emotionally raped.  Because I would carry around this sense of internal violation, it contributed to my becoming promiscuous for a long time. When I became promiscuous, I did not like how perverted I had become. Out of desperation, wanting love, and/or a distraction from the pain, I became perverted. Because of my behavior, there were times when I was used.

One man who used me in a disrespectful manner was emotionally manipulative and happened to be a physician in Indiana. He ignored me when I relayed to him that I was suicidal in NYC and knew I had PTSD. I had to quit my job while in NYC because his neglect intensified my trauma.  I fell into such a bad state of trauma that I contacted him via cell phone when he did not want me to contact him, and he subsequently filed a restraining order. His emotionally manipulative behavior and indifference re-triggered my trauma-based thinking. 

There is an imbalance of power when a man or woman uses someone. This imbalance of power emotionally robs the individual being used, and potentially leads to more unhealthy behavior, or perhaps even worse more traumatic behaviors such as prostitution. A lot of my unhealthy behavior had to do with regaining control. I found myself in similar situations because I wanted my behavior to be a choice. I was “choosing” this, but really, I was in denial. I was reliving trauma. It’s best to be truthful and recognize the denial cycle and seek help. But be careful who you seek help from and make sure the professional understands the nature of the situation.

Part of the media promotes hyper-sexuality and perversion, and it’s unhealthy and destructive to both men and women alike. By claiming that sex is purely recreational with no strings attached, those that don’t know better fall into an unhealthy lifestyle and mental state and may become addicted and/or emotionally distraught.

The intensity of violation I experienced and my inability to function and work and therefore escape abuse almost drove me to go into the sex industry as a desperate last resort. I considered the sex industry heavily for years and really fought against the inclination and desperation I felt inside. After college, for many years, I was constantly in poverty and relied financially on my mother who abused me.

Again, it was extremely bad that I had to quit my job in NYC (I tried to return to NYC unsuccessfully). I fell back into despair. Luckily, a couple helped me through my disability for a short time, so I did not kill myself or fall into prostitution. But eventually, I had to return to my abusive situation.

Unfortunately, my older brother guilt-tripped me about accepting help from my mother. He argued that since I did not like my mother, that I did not deserve my mother’s financial help and told me that I was twisted for accepting her help. He told me to go on welfare. I had attempted to apply for disability, but my mother convinced me not to claiming she would pay the amount. She failed to follow through. Again, as a result, I was constantly begging her for necessities in which she abused me verbally for being so reliant on her. I was a burden and

shame to her.